10 Reasons Why We Should Forgive Ourselves
The Facebook messages kept pinging at the bottom of my screen. Their blinking alerts set off a burning annoyance in my brain. "I hate Facebook, I hate Facebook messenger, and I don't want to chat with him right now." Those were my thoughts as my step-brother, ever-kind and always gregarious, reached out to me after sending me a friend request earlier that day. There had been little communication between us for many years - not for any disagreeable reasons. It was simply a matter of two people who walked different paths in life, paths that did not converge.
I was distracted with who knows what. All I remember was the headache I felt from being annoyed. I didn't want to chat with him at that moment, I didn't want to catch him up on my life, nor was I in the mood to hear about his. Eventually, I simply stopped responding and I turned off my computer, content in the moment that I made the right decision to cut him off.
Two months later he was dead.
Since we had not known each other well for years, the emotional impact of his loss was relatively minimal. What I felt more strongly about was pushing away this gentle, friendly man who was reaching out to me to connect. What was so important that I could not take five, ten, or 15 minutes to chat with him? Likely, we would not have delved into terribly substantive topics, but then again, who knows? Could he have said something to me that would have triggered a response that could have saved him? Perhaps not, even likely not, but I'll never know.
I carried the weight of this seemingly nominal act for many months. No one wants their last interaction with a person to end with cutting the other person off. I had the opportunity to say something positive, to let him know how I felt about him, which was great caring and love, and I missed it.
After a time I understood that I could no longer beat myself up over what happened. Other than recognizing that I should never do something like that again, rumination is fruitless. Yet, everyone engages in this act of self-loathing at one time or another. Why is it so difficult to forgive ourselves for past indiscretions?
1. If we could have acted differently at the time, we would have.
At any moment, we can only act on what we know right then. We cannot predict the future, and we cannot make decisions on what will only be known tomorrow, next week, or in ten years. In other words, why would we beat ourselves up over a decision that really wasn't a decision? We can't decide between what we know right now and what we'll only know in the future. We made the best possible decision we could If we could have done something better at the moment, we would have.
2. Our mistakes are not who we are.
We often misguidedly attach our missteps to the fundamental beliefs we have about who we are. We identify with them, and since our decision was bad therefore we must be bad, right? Self-forgiveness allows us to break the false connection between our perceived mistakes and our identities.
3. What is the alternative if we do not forgive ourselves?
Okay, so we decided to not forgive ourselves. Great! This means we are in for a lifetime of self-loathing, regret, and woe. That's the alternative to self-forgiveness. It's a black-and-white decision. Which choice do we want to make?
4. History is littered with great people who made poor decisions. Why are we any different?
Often we assume we are terrible people for whatever misdeed we regret. Yet, history is rife with an endless list of well-meaning, well-regarded people who made mistakes.
Abraham Lincoln had a string of personal, business, and political failures before he became president. Jerry Seinfeld often had audiences that booed him to tears in his early stand-up days. Before he formed the Disney Brothers Studio, Walt Disney's first business was a failure and he declared bankruptcy.
Do we think these men truly could have been great if they did not forgive themselves for their discretions?
5. Forgiveness is an act of strength.
If we felt as if we were weak at a moment of misjudgment, then the remedy is self-forgiveness. It is all too easy to brood over a mistake. It's weak. Strength, real strength, is found in self-forgiveness. We forgive ourselves because it is hard and because the act will strengthen us.
6. Would we forgive a loved one for the same mistake?
While enjoying the lovely benefits of self-loathing, consider what you would say to a loved one if that person was going through your experience. What if the person makes the same mistake? Would you berate them the way you're berating yourself? Treat yourself as you would treat a loved one in a similar situation. Forgive.
7. Resentment, rumination, and depression never benefited anyone.
When was the last time all that brooding accomplished anything for you? Forgive yourself and let it go.
8. Forgiveness is a necessary step toward positive mental and emotional health.
We cannot feel happy, engaged, energetic, present, or content unless we forgive ourselves. If we opt to continually beat ourselves up over the past, then we will never have the strength to complete our goals, live the life we envision for ourselves, or simply feel good about being alive.
9. Forgiveness allows us to align our intentions with our actions.
Intention and action are not always aligned, and sometimes when they are aligned it's not in our self-interest or in the self-interest of others. Self-forgiveness absolves us of the act, but not the intention. If our intention is to harm, and we in fact harm, we can forgive ourselves for the act but we must change our intentions in order to change future actions.
10. Re-enacting past decisions in our minds is the most futile effort in which we can engage.
It's done. It's over. There is absolutely, positively nothing we can do about what is done. So, let it go. Lift the weight off your shoulders. Breathe. Move on and live life.
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