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10 Ways to Lose Weight

Guaranteed and foolproof. In fact if you're a fool get ready to blow your friends away on the scale.

    1. Amputation

    You know how much a leg weighs? I'll tell you how much. 'Bout half as much as two legs, that's how much. Chop one, chop both, and if you're big enough to begin with, you're halfway to a luau. Just don't tell your guests they're eating your own special version of long pig.

    2. Replace your skeleton with carbon fiber

    It worked for the hood of your 1997 Suburu WRX STI and it can work for you! Admittedly there's a lot of overhead here, but if you can find the right plastic surgeon you're golden...or fibrous or something.

    3. Move to Ganymede

    Did you know that Earth is the fattest planet in our solar system? Obviously if you've been to a Walmart recently you're aware of that - but I'm talking about gravity here. When you look at the planets in this solar system you can actually stand on, Earth is the one with the highest gravity. So pick a littler one and boom - you can chuck the Slim-Fast. Not Venus, it's a little smaller than Earth, but not worth the hydrazine to get there. For best results, check out our own Moon, or Mars, or something in the Jovian system.

    4. Continuous explosive farting

    For every reaction there is an equal and opposite reaction. Just remember: fart down. I admit, this is only a temporary and, shall we say, vaporous solution but I couldn't resist typing those three words together.


    OK go with me on this one: it's a nylon bag with hooks that go on the sides of your cheeks. Hook it to your mouth and swallow, and you can pack anything away like an elephant seal at the all you can eat calamari buffet. When you're done masticating, just grab the hooks and pull the whole deal out the way it came. Problem: solved, and you have a bag of organic pig slop for the farm.

    6. Chastity Jaw

    Just what it says on the tin. You can eat anything that can fit through your nose.

    7. Eat only helium

    It ain't gonna hurt you, it's a noble gas and completely nonreactive. I recommend gaseous form; if you attempt to eat liquid helium, you will shortly begin to lose weight very rapidly, but I think it's understood that death is not a valid entry in this contest.

    8. Die

    Well. I mean I wasn't gonna put it at all, but by the time I got this far I was kind of reaching. All the other ideas are great but now I'm kind of down to "eat right and exercise" and who wants to see that crap all over again. If you really want to accelerate weight loss with this method, lie down in a box of salt and natrin before you pass beyond the veil.

    9. [Idea inspired by The Human Centipede but which is so crass I can only type this.]

    If you know, you know! You also know it would work. Not sure how quickly it would turn into option 8...but given the extremely high pH of the human stomach...probably horrifyingly longer than the liquid helium would do.

    10. Create a caloric deficit by eating whole, unprocessed foods, consuming at least 1g of protein per pound of desired bodyweight, doing resistance training, and walking 30-60 minutes per day.

    I don't mean to gross anybody out but this is really the best way. Sorry. I had to go there.

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