The following jokes are sort of a selection because they managed to stick in my memory.
(Image by "Clear Inner Vision" on Flickr)
Q: What is stupidity squared?
A: 144 Austrians.
(or members of another group of your choice)
Q: Why don't the old men have their third teeth in their mouths in the run-up to Christmas?
A: Because their wives need them to cut out cookies.
A foreigner is walking in a bad part of town and meets a man who keeps hitting himself in the head with a brick.
"What's wrong with you?"
"Leave me alone! I'm hooked."
He walks a little further and meets another man who takes turns hitting his head with two bricks.
"Can I help you?"
"No one can help me anymore. I'm hooked."
He continues on his way and meets a man with a wheelbarrow full of bricks.
"Are you hooked too?"
"No, I'm the dealer."
4. The fly
I heard this one in Lithuania, 20 years ago.
Q: What goes through a fly's head when it's smashed on a windshield?
A: Its ass.
England defeated Germany at the last European Football Championship. An Englishman walks into a bar where a German is sitting.
The German says: "Don't talk about football, please!"
The Englishman says, "How about sex? Can we talk about sex?"
"Yes, I think I can handle that."
"WE FUCKED YOU!"
6. The young wife
A man has a pretty but not very smart wife and a little one-year-old son. One day, he comes home and sees that the woman is holding the baby by the feet and dipping it upside down into a tub of water.
"Are you crazy? You can't hold our child by the feet like that."
"You think I wanna burn my fingers?"
7. Desert island
A tourist flies over an island in the South Pacific on a charter plane and sees a ragged figure waving excitedly and hopping around.
He says to the pilot: "Look, there! There's a shipwrecked man."
"Oh, he! he's always so happy when we fly over his island."
An Englishman, a German and a Frenchman have been caught in the turmoil of a South American revolution and are about to be shot.
In front of the firing squad, the Englishman shouts, "Full coverage! Danger! A tidal wave!" thereby creating a mess that allows him to escape.
When it's the German's turn, and he's about to be blindfolded, he shouts "Oh my God!!!! A Tornado!" - which unexpectedly saves his life and enables him to escape.
These events also give the Frenchman hope that he can save his life. As the firing squad gathers once more and draws their guns, he yells, "FIRE!"
A boy asks his father: What is politics?
Father answers: It’s very simple! You see, I bring in the money, so I’m the economy. Your mother spends the money, so she’s the government. Your grandfather sees to it that everything is managed in an orderly way. So he’s the law. Our maid is the working class. Everything revolves around your interests, so you’re the people. Your little baby brother represents the future.
The boy has to think it over. That night, he hears his little brother crying due to a dirty diaper. He doesn’t know what to do, so he goes to the bedroom of his parents. There his mother is sound asleep. He goes to the bedroom of the maid, but his father is also there - and oddly enough, his grandfather is watching through the window.
Nobody notices the boy, and he returns to his bed.
The next day, his father asks him: So, can you now explain to me what politics is?
The boy says: Yes, it’s all become clear to me! The economy screws over the working class while the law watches and the government sleeps. The people are ignored, and the future lies in shit.
10. The golden urinal
This has been e-mailed to me by my good American friend Dr. Richard Reiter in early 2017:
A day after his election victory, President-elect Donald Trump met with President Obama in the Oval Office of the White House. After drinking several glasses of lemonade, he asked Obama if he could use his personal bathroom. He was astonished to see that the President had a solid gold urinal. That afternoon, Trump told Melania, about the urinal. "Just think," he said," when I move in, I'll get to have a gold urinal!"
Later, when Melania had lunch with Michelle Obama, she told Michelle how impressed Donald had been with his discovery of a gold urinal in the President's private bathroom.
That evening, Barack and Michelle were getting ready for bed. Michelle turned to Barack and said, "Well, I found out who peed in your saxophone."
11. The little boy and the tractor
A hiker got lost. He meets a little boy on a remote farm. "Are your parents there?"
"No. They were run over by the tractor."
"I'm so sorry! Are your grandparents available?"
"No. Run over by the tractor."
"How awful! Do you have any older siblings that are there?"
"No. All run over by the tractor."
"Oh dear, you poor child! What are you doing all day, so alone?"
"I ride the tractor."
12. The meaning of his life
The following joke has been posted by Alexey Tereshchenko on Quora:
At some point in life, a man who had previously been a great sinner has spiritually awakened and started to preach the word of God. He believed that he was inspired by the Lord Himself. So he dies, and meets St. Peter.
- Saint Peter, I need to see God.
- Why? You were an okay guy, we won’t send you to hell.
- No, I really need it. I need to ask Him one question.
St. Peter shrugs his shoulders and brings him in God’s Presence. The man asks:
- My Lord, tell me, did I understand my destiny well? Was it to carry Your word?
God is silent.
- Please tell me!
- Do you really want to know? - asks God.
- Yes, I long to know, I crave for this knowledge, I implore you!
- Okay, okay. Do you remember how you travelled by train from Samara to Syzran’? It was forty-seven years ago.
- Do you remember how you went to the dining car?
- Do you remember how your neighbour to the left asked you to pass the salt?
- This was your destiny. You were born to pass the salt to this person.