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Brain Dump

    1. Friday was a bit of a dumpster fire

    Somehow the entry door lock in I could unlock the door, turn the doorknob, but said door would not open. I took apart the door knobs to figure out what the hell was going on. The latch/lock was firmly in place and has no desire to move. I'm a stubborn person, so after some hours, a lot of swearing, some lube, and force, I got the door open. It really threw off a good chunk of my day though. Replaced the lock today. 

    2. The kid and his age appropriate, but questions/judgy comments

    He's pushing boundaries, figuring out his identity while also figure out who he isn't, and sometimes his approach is not too great. The comments aren't too horrible, but we did have a chat in the car about the concept of death by a thousand cuts. It's been particularly hard that he seems to have some homophobic tendencies. 

    3. New audiobook: Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker

    This is going to be a hard one to get through, but hopefully beneficial too. I'm about 1.5 hrs in on a 10hr book. I don't think I've ever read something that describes me so well. 

    4. My gym reopened this morning

    It was closed about a month for renovations. The refresh looks nice but they didn't replace the busted cardio machines. Hah. Still, happy to have my home location back open. 

    5. Next Friday

    I have off and secondary partner is also off. I have to come up with some ideas of what to do. If hiking: where, what trail(s), etc... If wandering a town or city: which one, what to grab for lunch. Do something very different? I'll figure it out. 

    6. Indecision

    This one could be a novel. I'm trying to make a decision but I'm also holding back. I could take more initiative and go one way with the decision, but the last time I did had a non-response and if I'm misinterpreting things incorrectly, I'd prefer to not have a non-response/something worse be the result. I could do nothing, just continue accepting that's how it is. Or if I am reading things correctly, wait and see if more signs come that help me better inform my decision - the decision could be made for me. 

    7. Internal messiness

    Lately I've felt like a mess. I'm not quite sure how to describe it, but it's a mix of feeling stuck in mud, trying to sort my life out without using bad coping mechanisms, which leads to feeling like I don't have control or a way to suppress emotions/emotional flashbacks. It's normal to feel this way once tackling the last bad behavior/coping mechanism. It's also very uncomfortable having to relearn things as an adult and understanding emotions that have been suppressed for so long. 

    8. Dissociating

    I didn't pinpoint it until the other day. I've upped my reading/gaming lately. It's a form of dissociating for me. I'm going to have to address it. 

    9. Silver Linings

    Much of this brain dump is truly that - a brain dump. A form of getting the thoughts out - giving them words and honoring them. I may have work to do, but I'm really doing well. 

    10. Silly moments

    If my partner or I comment on how hot/cute/whatever adjective you want looks, the receiver of the comment will usually then make a goofy face while asking like this? Simple, silly, and I love it. 

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