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Jokes (Part 2)

These aren't the best, but I thought it would be cool to track my process by listing all of my original jokes.

These where from the end of 2020.

    1. How I lost my last job

    I use to teach English. One day a new kid entered the class so I got everyone else to do some book work whist I sat with her and taught her the basics. 'My name is Susie' 'my name....' 'My name IS SUZIE' 'My name is Susie' Awesome! high fives her then one of the boys is like 'Teach her' and im like 'I am' few minutes pass then 'Teach her. teach her' and I'm like 'What do you think im doing?' next he starts shouting 'ttteeaaacchhhh hhhheeerrrr!!!' I'm pissed off at this point 'I bloody well am. I dare you to ask again. I bloody dare you' He then started to cry. Then the rest of the class all joins in 'Teach her. Teach her.teach her' I snap im like aaagghhh....!!!!!Teach her, teach her, teach her. Anyway the wee boy ends up pissing himself and they blame it on me. And that's how I lost my job.

    2. Tea

    Really annoyed with my Polish pal today. He asked if id go shopping with him. He wanted a 'drinking vessel for his tea'. I told him he could shove his drinking vessel where the sun don't shine. No-one takes me for a mug.

    3. Takila

    It was my Mexican pals birthday. I was chatting to some members of her family. Waiting to be nice I asked 'I'm grabbing another beer Esther anything use want?' 'I want takila''I want takila' 'I want takila'. I replied ' I know she's a bit of a cow, but I think murders a little too far'.

    4. Censoring

    You know what I think of the people who are offended by the censoring of the song -Fairy Tale of New York? I think they're all a bunch of cheep, lousy f*****s

    5. Shoot Animals

    I like to shoot animals

    with a camera

    so I can share my kills on Facebook

    6. Offence

    My neighbour was at the hardware store earlier where she overheard a racist joke, so she took offence on my behalf. Now I now where my garden ends and hers begins.

    7. Subway

    Transport in town is useless. I was sitting on a subway for 2 hours and it refused to move. So I stood up, ate it and left.

    8. Cycling

    I was riding my bike the other day. When all of a sudden, it started to talk 'Stop. Stop.' I should have been shocked to hear a talking bike, but surprisingly, I wasn't. I replied 'Why? What's wrong' bike replied 'I'm two tyred'. I laughed. The bike laughed and we both lost control. Ended up crashing into an old woman. She had a hart attack and died.

    9. Pound shop

    Went to the pond shop. Picked up a bunch of items. Punched the cashier and left.

    10. Literally Hitler

    Have you heard of Literally Hitler? Don't confuse him with Adolf . Adolf was the man with the funny tash in WW2. He was responsible for the deaths of millions of people. Adolf was a terrible person , but Literally Hitler is much worse. He's offensive.

    11. Good and bad news

    I've got some good news and bad news. The bad news is your wee gran sadly chocked and passed away whilst eating her dinner. It's not all doom and gloom though. The good news is, if you're hungry, her dinners still warm.

    12. You are what you eat

    They say you are what you eat. That's why I avoid eating a mix of flour, yeast, sugar and peas.


    13. Pokemon joke

    What did the Squirtile say to the Charmander? Squirtle, Squirtile, Squirtile

    14. Indecent Exposure

    I was in town the other day. Bunch of police stoped me 'Hey you. Your nicked' and I'm like 'what?' they're all 'we caught you peeing. You'r done. Indecent exposure'. I'm like 'Naw I'm no' they counter with 'Aye you are'. I stand my ground with 'Naw. I'm no. I'll see you in court.' Anyway few months pass, we're in court. Judge is like ' State your defence' So I state my case 'These men said they caught me peeing outside and want me done for indecent exposure. Judge, members of the jury is there anything indecent about this?' then I pulled my pants down. Everyone's mouth where agasp. The Judge pulled themselves together just long enough to reply 'You're right enough. That's magnificent. There's noting indecent about that. Case dismissed'

    15. Excel

    What's the difference between a farmer and an accountant? How they spread-sheet

    16. Crossword

    Here son can you help me out with this crossword? 7 across, fourth letter is C. Clue is 'To kill oneself.


    Na. That's impossible. Suicide is never the answer.

    17. Relationship Advice

    If you want a woman to really like you you have to be assertive. That's why I suggest you do what I do. Demand that they make you a sandwich. At first they'll gasp, but then they say 'that's so sexy'., but you insist maybe even add 'whilst you're at it, wash my clothes' then they'll comment on how much of a sexy guy you are. Never fails.

    18. How high

    I was in the army in my earlier days. One day we where wandering through the jungle when my captain shouted 'Jump!' I replied 'How high?' before I even finished my question there was a huge explosion. Captain died and I lost my legs.

    19. Respect

    I believe all woman deserve respect.

    Define woman?

    Define woman. And deugly woman. All deserve our respect.

    20. Reindeer

    Aggghh... what's that outside?


    That big dog looking thing.


    Not the weather. It's not even raining. It's demonic. It's a huge dog with horns.

    Oh you're right enough. It's a moose.

    A mouse? Are you insane

    21. Newspaper

    My dad was sitting at the table, sucking on a pen and every few minutes, using that pen to scribble down something in his newspaper.Curious, I asked 'Dad what are you doing?' silence. Maybe he didn't hear me. 'Dad! what are you doing!!!' A slightly growl, then a return to silence. So I walk up and poke him, now he'll need to answer. 'Dad' 'Dad' dad' dad' 'dddaaaaaddd!!!' he turns his face towards me. his eyes eventually reach mine. My dad is no longer behind those eyes. What's replaced him is pure rage. I whisper 'What are you doing?' let's just say he replied with 'A few crosswords'

    *Really like this joke. Think this was when I started to find my own style.

    22. Binman

    The Chinese binman chapped my door today. He's like 'Where you bin?' I'm like 'I've been lying in bed all day' he chuckles and replies 'Haha! No, no, no. Where you wheel bin?' a laugh at my ignorance and reply 'At the pub, but don''t tell anyone'

    23. Art Attack (Uk based joke)

    Have you heard the sad news about Neil Buchanan. He was the artist on an old CITV show from the 90's. Anyway, he sadly passed away last night. How? 'art attack.

    24. Strangers

    I don't want my kids to grow up to be transphobic. So, unlike most bigoted parents, I encourage my kids to talk to strange 'hers

    25. Monster show

    I use to watch this monster anime when I was younger.


    Aye I did. Why would I lie about that

    26. Loop

    The Bolignase. Gonna give it to me?

    What's that?

    Pasta sauce

    Pass what?

    27. Masks

    Want people to start wearing masks? Start talking about how you've noticed that it's only the ugly people who refuse to wear one. If anyone protests just go 'I just don't find them that attractive'. If enough folk do this people will wear it just so they can be seen as attractive.

    Don't like masks? just reverse what I've said.

    28. Mummy

    My son wouldn't stop whining. Waaaa.... Waa..... Waaa.... and I'm like 'Your a 30 year old man. You can't be a mummy'. Tears poured down his face. This went on every day, for weeks. Eventually I snapped. I gave him his bag, wrapped him in toilet roll and sent him on his way.

    He was overjoyed.

    29. Trans

    I use to wonder what was wrong with me. Why do people walk by me? Why do people talk like I'm not in the room? Why am I left out of photos? Then it hit me. It's because im trans.


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