I've managed to get a spot at the Edinburgh Fringe, unfortunately I'm still sick. I think I'll go and do my best. Even if I'm useless it's been a dream and it would be crazy to pass it by.
A short story about how I lost my job as a teacher. Not really a joke, but people seem to like stories and this went down well last time I performed it.
I think I'll use this as a closer it always gets a good laugh.
I use to always wondered how I was created. I thought it was the usual way. You know the birds and the bee's, but that can't be how I came about. My mum's white and my dad's black. Mix them and what do you get? Exactly, gray. I'm not gray. So I searched Google. Turn's out I'm actually a mixture of flour, sugar, salt, butter and a wee bit of coca powder. That's right. I'm a brownie.
This is my favourite joke I've written. Unfortunately a lot of people just don't get it.
I was walking up the town centre. I was just outside Boot's when an old man with a wee hunched back stopped me. 'excuse me son.' he said. Then he pointed to the Boots store 'is that a pharmacy?' I looked where he pointed then looked back at him confused. I replied 'i think you need an optitions mate. That's a chemist's. Look's nothing like a farm '
This joke takes a while to get, but when folk finally do they love it.
My wee boy was whaling the other day. Waaa.... Waaa... Waaaa....!!! Tears and snot everywhere. I just stood silent and looked at him stoicly. When he calmed down he wiped his eyes and looked up at me sniffing. I just shook my head and replied 'What the hell did you expect? You just shot it with a harpoon?'
5. One liners
Stupid ones, but they always makes me laugh.
3D porn - it really cums out the screen.
Dad are we going to set that house on fire? Yes, we arson
I enjoy this one. Stupid, but it makes me smile.
Here son can you help me out with this crossword? 7 across, fourth letter is C. Clue is 'To kill oneself.
Na. That's impossible. Suicide is never the answer.
7. Motivational Quote
I'm really into self-improvement, so this is one of my favourite.
One of my favourite quotes is 'Do whatever makes you happy, regards of what anyone else think ' - Adolf Hitler
8. Muslim Extremists
If anyone complains that I don't joke about Muslims this is my defence.
What did the Muslim extremist say to his sister? 'I sis
They say that the greatest gift is life. Not if you've been framed for murder.
10. Male Gaze
Some woman refuse to wear makeup, don't worry about their weight and refuse to shave. All to protect themselves from the male gaze.
I would have thought they'd be more protected if they looked less like a man.