My Jokes - First 25

Covid made people a wee bit crazy. I remember during it everyone would ask 'How you feeling?' I'd always reply 'The same as always. With my hands'

You know how to lose weight fast? Amputation

3D porn - It really sums out the screen

All lives matter. But all lives can't matter until Black Lives Matter. And if black lives don't matter, then all lives don't matter. And if all lives don't matter, then we're all equal. Therefor - what's all the fuss about?

Woke Comedy - It's no laughing matter

What did the homeless man get for Christmas? Nothing

If someone is feeling sad, lonely, depressed, don't put them down. I did, and now im wanted for murder.

My mate asked me 'Whats the questions like at Asda?' I'm like 'It's a big long line of people, one standing behind another. That's slowly moving forward as the person at the front enters the store.

Next time your scrolling through Facebook and you come across a photo of a minion looking person, give it a like. Just because they're ugly us sin doesn't mean they too, don't need a little love.

What's worse than dying a slow and painful covid death? The inconvenience of wearing a mask outside.

During the pandemic I went up to the shops, without a mask. A Jamaican man caught me, stood still, shook his head and said 'disappointing'. I looked back, stretched out my hand and said 'No. Disappointing' then I shook my head and said 'dis a head shake'.

Where do poor Egyptians live? In a pyramid scheme

My 'son' (can I say that?) recently came out as transexual. Shocked, me and my wife did the only reasonable thing we could. We abandoned him.

And started using her instead

I've just been called lazy. Can you believe it? Me. lazy? naaa... I'll show them who's lazy. They'll all see how 'lazy' I am.

ach, who am I kidding. I'll get someone else to do it.

A man is no less of a man if he wears a flowery dress

A woman is no less of a woman if she wears a mighty fine beard

And I'm no less of a good person if I wear my stylish nazi uniform

Some nasty person shoved a lot of similar meaning words, up my bum. Now I've got a thesaurus .

Dad. Are we setting that house on fire? Yes. Yes, we arson

If you're on a sports team don't forget, you are no.1. You are the most important player. Screw everyone else, make sure you look good.Hog the ball. Do whatever you need to stand out. Remember - There's no WE in team.

Dr. Dr. It's my wee girl. She's swallowed something earlier and now she won't stop throwing up, her skins turning pale and she keeps shaking?

What's in side her?

Apples, yeast and sugar. But I'm not sure how that's relevant.

There was a terrorist attack in France a few years ago. I was disgusted how the media reported on it 'Nice knife attack' Nice? It was disgusting!

You look different

Naw, I don't

Aye you do. You had a haircut?

Naw. I'm telling you I look the same.

Maybe you've shaved

I'm telling you I've looked the same as I've always looked. I've not changed since I was born

You're telling me that for 30 years you've looked the exact same?

Aye son. I have, I am. And I always will - Look with my eyes

Alternative - Chinese, Korean, Japanese, Taiwanese, Indonesian actually all asians. They all look the same. With their eyes.

I bought myself a roller coaster. Useless. Spilt my tea everywhere.

My boy asked me what I wanted for Christmas. Im like 'Your mums left me. The house is a tip. I can't even see the carpet, through all this dust. Honestly. I just want a die son'. Christmas comes and the checks git gets me a rope and a bucket. How've I meant to vacuum with that.

If you're living with someone else, but don't want to be stuck doing chores. Do them. But do a bad job.Spend a day attempting everything, and make sure they see you trying. From then on they'll do it all themselves.

They're was a terror attack in town at 1 today. Massacre. Blood everywhere. Really hope my friends ok. He said he'd - be heading there in the afternoon.