Partner(s)

1. Why the term?

Personal preference, I guess. It's more inclusive and in many ways better describes the sort of relationships I have. We are in this together.

2. And why the (s)?

If you've read some of my other lists I've mentioned a primary partner and secondary partner. Not quite the societal norm by any means. Primary partner is my husband, and secondary partner is one of my favorite people who I have a solid friendship with a bit extra thrown in.

3. Am I cheating?

Nope. My husband knows of and approves of my relationship with my secondary partner. He does not have an interest in maintaining a friendship with my secondary partner, but trusts him and trusts me. As I also trust my husband. I did cheat in the past, which I regret, but cannot change that I did it. I am unbelievably fortunate to have the partner I do.

4. And why more than one?

Oh jeez - blame it on my upbringing, or whatever you want, but I have always believed that monogamy wasn't really for me. I think it's unrealistic to expect one person to provide you with all the things you want/need, which can and often does lead to cheating for many people. I'm not anti-monogamy, I think if it works for you that's amazing! And there are points in my relationship when it is just the two of us, and there aren't other side relationships.

5. How did this come to be?

I do not recommend the route we took to get where we are. It was filled with bad behavior, misunderstanding one another, angst, and a lot of struggle. Neither of us knew how to properly convey our needs - my husband knew I didn't believe in monogamy but thought I would be for him, and I thought since he knew I didn't believe in it he was accepting of me as I was. Stupid shit that could have broken us. About 8 years ago we were at a crossroads - either divorce or find a way to work through everything to stay together. We picked the latter, I sought therapy (as did he for a point in time), and through a lot of tough times, we've come up with a solid relationship that works for us. It's now the strongest it's ever been. My husband will always be priority number one when it comes to all relationships.

6. And the second partner?

We started out as friends in a larger group of friends. We've been partners for about 5 years now, though I'd say our foundation is built on an exceptionally strong friendship. The additional stuff happens but not that often. There's certainly an emotional component to it too, but the friendship is the most important piece. Most of our time is spent working out together, hiking, grabbing lunch/coffee/drinks, or trying new activities.

7. Why Share?

I don't know. It's something different that maybe you don't read about often and perhaps you were curious. Advice columns and such would tell you that our relationship absolutely cannot work based on my past behavior. But it does work. It would not work for everyone, of course, but it works for us.

8. Things I love about Primary Partner

He's goofy, intelligent, accepting of me as me despite all of my weirdness and flaws. He is passionate about the oddest topics and will spend hours sharing minute details on these topics. He adores our son and our pets. He loves to learn, and help out. He's a terrible dancer, but doesn't care. He has the biggest, brown eyes and the best 80s rockstar hair. He has helped me grow as a person in countless ways. He's my absolute favorite person in the world.

9. Things I love about Secondary Partner

He's easily one of the smartest people I know but is exceptionally humble. He is generous with his friends, his community, and others. He motivates, introduces me to new activities, and will also deep dive into the weirdest topics. We don't get to see each other often, but the times we do are always fun and engaging. I always get his undivided attention. He has the best mischievous grin.

10. Vulnerability

Sharing this makes me nervous.