Rocco's Jokes (Part 3)

A collection of all my original jokes

1. Adopted

Dad. I'm I adopted?

Seriously? Have you looked in the mirror? Of course your ours. Like, who would want you? Have you seen your test results? You're an idiot. Who'd want you? Not that me and your mum didn't try. Three years we spent trying to find a place that'd take you. We chap on cupples doors who couldn't have kids and their like 'na we'll pass', 'Have you got any other options' 'Seriously? I wouldn't be caught dead walking about with that' and we're like 'We know that's why we're trying to get rid of him.' Traveled the whole country and not one orphanage wanted 'The ugly kid'. Said that no-one would adopt you and they'd be stuck with you for 18 years. Probably even more because no-one gonna marry you and you're not really mentally capable to survive in the real world yourself, are you? So after 3 years of trying we eventually tried to just put everyone out of their misery ,but unfortunately euthanasias illegal.

2. Manslaughter

If there's one thing I hate, it's sexism. One day I was looking through this law book, as you do and I came across a sexist crime. One that only men can get arrested for. Disgusting. Woman laugh and it's fine. But when mans laughter is treated like murder. #theresnothingwrongwithmanslaughter

3. Heating

this Jamaican guy chapped our door. Trying to sell something. I wouldn't have been so nice but I wasn't the one who answered. Betty let him in. They where chatting away then she went to make tea, so it was just me and him. He was talking to me about all his products but the whole time he was shaking nervously. Rubbing his body anxiously. I'm like 'are you ok?' he replied 'yeah man. I'm fine', but I knew he wasn't so I pushed 'seriously what's wrong. You're shaking' he replied 'It's the heating' without missing a beat I snapped into action and slapped him and kicked him out the house. Then shouted at the top of my lungs 'That 'he-ting' is my wife'

4. Fat kid

My wee boy was a bit on the fat side. I say a bit, but he was morbidly obese. So I set out some small tasks to help him lose the weight. We started with dieting. He's not ate anything in over a month now, really proud of him. Unfortently he also hasn't left his room since then either. Next task is deffenetly daily showers. I peaked in his room this morning and boy, it stinks. Smells like a corps in there.

5. Non-binary

I'm neither a man, nor a woman

what?

I'm non-binary

analogue

Haha! don't be silly. I'm still human

6. Manhole cover

Hey guys. Do you know what they call man-hole covers in England? Pants

7. Bones

I've got lots of bones, hundreds, thousands maybe? Let's just say - I've got a skeli-ton of them

8. Motivational Quotes

One of my favourite motivational quotes is 'Do what makes you happy. Regardless of what others think' - Adolf Hitler

9. Breath in... And out...




*Not for the easily, or not so easily offended. Proceed with caution.

I find it weird how the same quote can mean to completely different things, depending on who said it. For example - 'Breath in.... And out.... slowly in through your nose.... and out through your mouth..... as you breath in feel your lungs expand and your peace grown as you breath out feel all your stresses fade away. Each breath you fall deeper, and deeper into eternal bliss' sounds magical and peaceful when your yoga instructor says it, yet it's not so peaceful when it's a nazi guard .

10. Hello son

hello son

God dad, it's overwatch. Looks nothing like halo

11. The greatest gift

They say that the greatest gift is life. Not if you've been done for murder.