Rocco's Jokes (Part 4)
My original jokes.
Dad, Mary built the ark, didn't she?
Eve then. Eve built the ark.
Sue then. She must have built the ark
Then bloody tell me who did!
2. White Guys
Trump said that the KKK where 'all white guys'. All white? I find them disgusting.
3. Dead Girlfriend
My girlfriend was in a car crash last night, and sadly passed away. I've been in mourning for what feels like an eternity. It's not all bad though, I'll be in noon soon.
I went to the most Northern American state last year with my with and her mum. Can't remember the name. eerrr..... I'll ask 'er. Hunny. what was the name of that state we visited last year with your mum? I can't remember. I'll ask her. Nah... don't bother. I'll ask her. Betty. What American state did we visit last year? Alaska! nah don't bother she can't remember.
5. Failure is not an option
My mate got himself into a lot of bother with some bad people. He's like I owe these guys a lot of money, you're really good at poker, can you help me out? I'm like sure what do I need to do. he's like 'Double this' and handed me a bag of money 'Failure is not an option' and I'm like in that case sure, it'll be easy', but it wasn't. I lost it all and my friend was found a week later floating in the Clyde. Turns out failure was an option.
If he hadn't lied maybe I would have tried harder.
*My favourite joke
I was up the town centre earlier when an old man stopped me. 'Excuse me son. Is that a pharmacy?' I looked around around, puzzled then replied 'I think you need an opticians mate. That's a chemists. Looks nothing like a farm'
7. Do I know you?
Excuse me, do I know you?
No. I don't think so.
I'm sure I've seen you before. Do you live at Glenview drive?
Yes. Yes I do
Ahhh... I do know you. I've seen you through the window a few times. Didn't recognise you with all those clothes on.
8. When did Star Wars end?
When did Star Wars end? When Finn showed up on screen
My wee boy was whaling the other day. wwwwaaaa..... waaaa.... waaaaa..... tears and snot everywhere. I just looked at him, shook my head and said 'what did you expect? You just shot it with a harpoon'
10. Facist Dictator
I'm super proud of all y American brothers and sisters for voting out their Racist Dictator. Makes me wonder, why hasn't North Korea voted theirs out yet?
My son wanted some Star Wars gifts for his birthday, so I went to the comic book shop to pick up something special. I don't know too much about Star Wars so I asked the shop assistant for help. He walked me to the Star Wars section and helped me pick up a few gifts. I then saw a small wrinkly goblin so I hugged the shop assistant and said 'look theirs Yoda' he then kicked me out. How was I meant to know that was his girlfriend.
12. My search for meaning
I've been on a quest to find meaning for the last 5 years. I've climbed the highest mountains, meditated with monks and read tons of religious texts. Still I haven't found it. so disheartened I asked my minister 'Father. I've traveled the world in search of meaning and even after 5 years I feel I'm no closer to finding it. Where can I find meaning?' he took a deep breath, noted his head then replied 'what's a Ning?'
13. My hypothetical son
My hypothetical son ran up to me today he's like 'Dad. Dad!' I reply 'What is it my hypothetical son?' he continues 'What's the hardest part about being a parent?' I think about it then reply 'Finding a woman that want's to have kids with you'
My business investors weren't happy with me. Turns out profit involves more than lifting weights and eating healthy.
It's interesting how the longer people isolate at home. The more homeless they look.
16. Agent bond
Agent bond sneaked into the labs. He hid under a table, changed and walked out a lady Bond
I was scrolling through Facebook when an ad posed up. I was appalled. What was even more shocking was tge comments. 'yes, everyone should try it' 'changed my life for the better' 'noone else needs to know you're doing it' sad, sad times. Oh yeah I forgot to tell you what the add said 'Do you recommend the rapy?' disgusting!
Dentists make money from bad teath, so why should I trust a toothpaste that 9/10 of them recommend?
19. The Punchline
My longest joke. Too lazy to write it all down.