Ten New Year's Resolutions
From the Department of Redundancy Department...
1. Resolve to start all conversations with “Long story short…”
And then provide maximum backstory.
2. Pledge to drink more water—specifically from glasses you forgot where you put.
3. Decide that this is the year you finally read the terms and conditions
And immediately stop halfway through.
4. Commit to going to bed earlier
By lying down sooner and staring at the ceiling longer.
5. Resolve to stop procrastinating
Starting next Monday.
6. Promise to become more organized
By creating labeled folders you will never open again.
7. Decide to cook more meals at home
While dramatically increasing the number of takeout menus you own.
8. Resolve to be more spontaneous
By scheduling it three weeks in advance.
9. Pledge to limit screen time
By switching between devices more efficiently.
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