Things I learned from seeing the party as an experiment

I actually thought during the party. I need 10 things to put in this post. I have to make the most of this experiment. Emotions are sometimes too strong for me.

1. KSI Fight is interesting

I tried to interact with the adults for a good 5 minutes. I had to escape. I escaped to the family room where all the teenage boys were watching an influencer boxing match. It had a wwf vibe to it. I didn't get it but the commentary was hilarious.

2. Baby naming or anything to do with babies is hard for me

My step sister who is pregnant is giving her soon to be born child the middle name of my dad. It brings up a lot of stuff for me. The fact that I don't have kids that I want. I would love to name a son after my dad. My dad will never meet my children if I have any. I wanted to break down in a heap of tears at the moment my step mom told me. I went inside and hid instead. I was all done up so I couldn't cry so I just did some deep breathing and saved the crying for right now.

3. My nephew is like me

My nephew does the same thing I do. He disappears if he is having a hard time. He's in 8th grade and I just want to tell him it's ok and hiding is ok if you can't handle it. But he's an 8th grade boy and it's hard to talk to 8th grade boys about emotions. I just hid with him and told him I didn't want to be outside or watch the fight. I'd rather play games on my phone and then we talked about fun games on phones.

4. My dad is stubborn

and it kind of pisses me off. He has the technology that will speak for you if you use your eyes to type out the words. He won't use it. He tries to speak and I can't understand him. Why won't he use the technology?

5. Not drinking is good

I am glad I didn't drink. I would have gotten more emotional and more annoyed. Why does everyone have to drink at gatherings? Do they also not want to be there?

6. I don't like posed pictures

I like candid photos. Posed photos drive me bonkers. Ok everyone stand and no one blink. Now fake smile and pretend like you want to be taking these photos. I never look back on these photos and think ah yes I was so happy in this moment.

7. 2 hours is my time limit unless there is cake

I can do three hours if there is cake. This must be why I melted down so soon at family events when I was younger. I didn't like cake until I was 30. Maybe I avoided it because it meant I had to be extroverted for a longer period of time.

8. Grown into being an extrovert but I am still an introvert

My baby book under the age of 5 or 6 says something like "I took Katie out to meet the other kids in the neighborhood because she wouldn't do it on her own." I think that is still me. I need a buddy to interact with other people. I think it's where my need to overcome things comes from. I need to prove to someone that I can be an extrovert. I went to acting camp. I was a cheerleader. I became a teacher. I jump at the chance to speak in front of large groups of people.

9. I like uppers over downers

I got an espresso before going to the party. When everyone else arrived at the party they got alcohol which is a downer. huh. I wonder what that means.

10. I want to be abroad again

I just kept thinking that the entire time. I wouldn't have to be in this uncomfortable situation if I was abroad. Am I running away from the parts of my life I find uncomfortable? (I can't wait for therapy).I don't think my dad knows that I am waiting on him to die. He asked when I plan on going. Everytime he asks I tell him a date after which I think he will be dead. I hope he doesn't know that I am predicting his death. I told him one year. If it wasn't for my dad I would still be abroad. I would have come home for a visit but I would have left within the year.