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10 horrible thoughts I had at my dad's funeral (but he's still the best dad ever)

My dad was sick with ALS for 4.5 years. He was a great man and many people had wonderful things to say about him. My speech was about our blockbuster trips on Fridays after he picked me up from my mom's house. They were magical.

But I am grieving and one of the steps is anger.

    1. My step family got them for longer than I did

    My parents divorced when I was 8. He moved out when I was 6. He moved in with my step mom when I was 12. They got him day in and day out. I had him every other weekend.

    My step siblings sadness makes me angry. I know it's ridiculous. I have a step sister the same age as me. I am jealous.

    Advice: I know custody has changed in the last 20 years. It's no longer every other weekend at dad's. It's weird. It's Sunday-Wednesday every other week. But it honestly makes more sense to me. It makes the father more prevalent in that child's life.

    Fight for that.

    2. I wanted him to fight for more custody.

    This goes along with number 1. Don't get me wrong. I probably wanted to live with my mom over my dad. I don't think it was healthy. I don't think one parent should take on all of that. If there is another healthy parent who can afford to take on the parenting of children. My sister and brother were out of the house by the time I was 12. My mom and I fought all the time. I cried myself to sleep from the time I was 6 to the time I was 18. No parent should have to take that all on. I know my dad worked long hours but so did my mom. I wish he had sacrificed his like a little more for mine.

    Advice: Even if it seems like your kids don't need you. They need you.

    3. They should have moved when they got married.

    I was 12. My dad moved in with my step mom. She lives in a 4 bedroom ranch. After they got married I was willing to go there every other weekend like I had before. I am sure I fought it. I know I fought it. I don't remember it but I am sure it happened. When I started going there all 3 of her kids were home. My place to sleep was on the couch. This makes sense. It's their home. They sleep in their bedrooms. I understand. But if you really joined the families. You would have made room for all 6 kids if they happened to be home at the same time. They didn't move because my step sister who was also 12 could walk to school. I get it. But I remember silently crying myself to sleep that first weekend there. I never wanted to be there again. I am angry they didn't readjust their lives for me. I am mad that I feel petty for saying that.

    Advice: Consider EVERYONE.

    4. I felt alone on the obituary.

    I didn't have a spouse next to my name and I didn't have any children listed. I felt so alone. Those are just facts. I haven't been married or have any kids. I feel like in life I had kind of become ok with that. My life isn't on the same path as theirs. Seeing it typed out. It destroyed me.

    No advice. I just feel like I shouldn't be thinking about myself at this time and I feel like that's all I've been doing.

    5. My step sister had my dream wedding.

    When I was younger before my parents got divorced they had a time share in Lake Tahoe. I loved it there. If you have never been there it is a magical place. The smell of pine is overwhelming and the views are incredible. It's one of the few lasting memories I have from when my parents were together. My dad loved Lake Tahoe too and the summer after we all graduated from high school he bought a gorgeous rental property up in the mountains with a spectacular view of Lake Tahoe. My step sister was upset because she wanted a place up north and I told her.. wait until we go. You will change your mind. Our first summer there we were told that we could have our weddings there. I was over joyed and couldn't wait to get married in Lake Tahoe. It never happened. It happened for her. I left the reception during the speeches and cried and cried on the beach outside of the golf course event room. I felt like it should have been my wedding. I had a hard time enjoying myself. Selfish again. But that was my dad and that was my happy place. I feel like she got my dad and got that memory.

    6. My dad never asked me to dance at any of the other 5 weddings

    Maybe I was off some place else. Doing something. Maybe I avoided it. I don't know. I don't really recall. Maybe we did dance and I just don't remember. But I don't think it happened. This started making me angry as soon as I heard his diagnosis. I was teaching in Korea and cried for 2 days. I would never get to dance with my dad at a wedding. We wouldn't dance at my wedding. I think I always had a block up against my dad. I think it really continued to build up at age 12. No one got married until I was 18. Maybe I just pushed him away to much and he felt that. I don't know. When I told my sister all of these horrible feelings one night she told me that I tend to push people away. I told her it's because I felt unwanted for a very long time. She said I needed to forgive him for me. I am trying.

    Advice: Make sure you ask special people in your life for special moments even if they push you away. Maybe I should have asked. But I felt like I was always having to ask for something. Maybe he felt that too.

    7. I wish child support wasn't a thing I had to hear about.

    There was a tension between my mom and dad whenever they met. Both my parents worked their butts off to take care of us. My mom did everything she could to stay in a house close to my father and to keep us in a good school district. I remember my grandfathers funeral in 1996. I didn't have anything all black to wear. My dad was really upset about this. Something was said like " why can't your mother take you shopping to buy something for this?" I never asked for clothes. Maybe I realized that if I asked for things it meant less time with someone at home. I just didn't ask for things. I think this is the reason why I became more creative. I heard my parents get into a child support argument over it. I heard it whenever I had something come up that needed to be paid for.

    Advice: Both divorced parents should be in therapy. They should discuss those problems there and find ways to have better conversations not around the children.

    8. I am going to lose it if I hear that my step sister just had my dad's name sake one more time

    My dad always said that a great name for a kid would be George. I love that name. It's very regal sounding. I would have loved to have name a child George or Georgie for a girl. This was the hardest one for me. Everyone kept passing the baby around at the funeral and the luncheon. Everyone made a comment in every speech about it. Every time I heard it I wanted to melt into a puddle and disappear. I wanted to scream on the top of my lungs and throw things. I luckily had my boyfriend and two best friends with me for most of the time. Otherwise I don't think I would have made it. I am very sad that I didn't have any children while my dad was alive and that I might not have any children. I had just gotten to the point where I felt like maybe it's not the end of the world. It's back to feeling that way again.

    9. I don't think my dad and step mom had a great love.

    It was repeated over and over again. I know it was to make my step mom feel good. What about my mom who was with him for the first half of his life? Her kids kept saying it in speeches and the priest said it during is speech. All I wanted to do was go and hug my mom. She wasn't included in the obituary. I wanted to add her. I think my sister. brother and I all wanted to. We didn't because it's not etiquette. I tend to get really angry when not everyone in the room is considered. Not EVERYONE but at least the main players. I felt like there could have been more consideration. I wish my step mom would have said "maybe you could do this to include your mom" but she's grieving too and probably didn't want to think about it. I don't know. I think they met and fell in love but I don't think it was great. She took care of him for 4 years and that's great but I don't feel the great love from it.

    10. Why am I not past all of this yet?

    I feel like that's horrible. I am probably the only kid of the six of us who has been in therapy for most of my life. Why can't I get past this stuff. Why am I the only one that seems to hold a grudge? Why do I keep building the wall of bad instead of seeing how good everything was? Why did it take seeing an article about blockbuster for me to remember a happy memory? I hope this helps me get it all out. I hope I am able to have some relationship with my step family. I haven't wanted one in the past but I hope I can do it for my dad's memory. I don't know if I can and I feel like that's horrible.

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