10 of my favourite jokes

I like to write jokes. Hope you enjoy.

1. Pharmacy

I was walking up the town centre when an old man stoped me. 'Excuse me son. Is that a pharmacy?' I looked at him puzzled and replied 'I think you need an opticians mate. That's a chemists. Looks nothing like a farm'

2. Fascist Dictator/Literally Hitler

Two jokes about Trump.

I'm so proud of my American comrades for voting out their racist dictator. Makes me wonder. Why hasn't North Korea voted out theirs?

Have you heard of Literally Hitler? Don't confuse him with Adolf. Adolf was the guy with the funny task and was responsible for the death of millions during WW2. Adolf was a terrible person, but Literally Hitler is much worse, he's offensive.

3. Crossword

My dad was sitting at the desk, pen in his mouth and starting at the newspaper. Every so often he'd jump and quickly jot something down in the newspaper before returning to his initial state. I found it odd so I asked him 'Dad what are you doing?' I got no response so I asked again 'Dad what are you doing?' still nothing so I shouted 'Dad! what are you doing!' still nothing so I pocked him and shouted 'What are you ddddooooiiinnnnggg!' finally he stood up, growled and stared at me, before opening his mouth. Let's just say, he replied with 'a few crosswords'

4. Whaling

My kid was whaling 'wwaaaaa.... waaa.... waaa.....' tears and snot everywhere. I just looked at him disappointed, shook my head and said 'What did you expect? You just shot it with a harpoon'

5. Homeless

Have you noticed the longer you stay at home. The more homeless you look.

What's losing your job and getting a big promotion got in common? Both lead you to being home-less.

6. Our souls

I was at church on Sunday . The priest was delivering a beautiful sermon until I noticed a mistake. He told us 'when we die, our souls go to heaven' and I thought 'that's wrong', so I stood up 'That wrong' 'What do you mean, dear child?' 'You said our souls go to heaven, that's wrong'. I continued 'good people go to heaven. Arse holes go to hell'

7. Arson

Dad are we going to set that building on fire? Yes, we areson

8. Brownie

I always wondered how I was created. I thought it was the normal way, but my dad's black and my mum's white. What does that make? Exactly, grey. I'm not grey, so I searched google. Turns out I'm actually a mixture of flour, eggs, sugar and co co powder, that's right, I'm a brownie.

9. Mask

What's worse than dieting a slow and painful covid death? The inconvenience of wearing a mask outside.

10. Trans

People always walk into me. Leave me out of group photos. Talk as if I'm not in the room. All because I'm trans. Transparent.

My 'son' recently came out as transexual. so we did the only reasnable thing we could. We abandoned him. And started using her instead.

11. Don't put others down

don't put others down. I did, and now I'm wanted for murder.

12. The greatest gift

They say that the greatest gift is life. Not if you've been framed for murder.

13. trainers

I don't know why athletes haven't switched to wearing light up trainers. Even kids know, they make you run faster.

14. Roller coaster

I bought myself a roller coaster. Useless. Spilt my tea everywhere.

15. aeroplane

* Only British folk will get this

I bought myself an aeroplane. Now I can eat very thinly sliced mint chocolate.

RoccoDesta