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10 Things Restaurant Servers Say (and what they really mean)

    1. When the server places your bill on the table.

    Server says: "No rush."
    Server means: "Leave immediately."

    2. When you ask if a particular item is good.

    Server says: "That's my favorite thing on the menu!"
    Server means: "I've never tried it, so I have no idea how it tastes."

    3. When you ask how much longer it will be until your food is ready.

    Server says: "Oh, I just checked, your food is coming up next!"
    Server means: "It's probably going to be an hour."

    4. When you ask what's good on the menu.

    Server says: "It's all great!"
    Server means: "It's all garbage."

    5. When the server first arrives at your table.

    Server says: "What can I get you to drink?"
    Server means: "You better order an expensive bottle of wine and tip me accordingly."

    6. When you ask for a refill on your water.

    Server says: "Oh, it's no problem!"
    Server means: "I wish you would quit bothering me as if I'm here to answer your every beck and call."

    7. When you go to a restaurant with your baby.

    Server says: "Oh, your baby is so cute!"
    Server means: "That's the ugliest looking thing I've seen in weeks, and if it starts screaming and crying like every other baby that comes in here I might go over there and choke it to death."

    8. When you tell the server you don't like the food you ordered.

    Server says: "I'm so sorry you don't like it! Let me replace that for you right away."
    Server means: "If you didn't like your food before, let's see how you like it when the chef takes the old food, licks it all over, pours more sauce on it, and we deliver it to you like it's new."

    9. When you tell the server that you only brought enough cash to cover the meal and not the tip.

    Server says: "Not a problem; I understand."
    Server means: "I'm going to take a baseball bat to every inch of your car."

    10. When you sit alone at a four-top table and only order coffee.

    Server says: "Great, here's your coffee. Let me know if I can get you anything else."
    Server means: "You're costing me so much money by taking up this table and not ordering anything, so you're never going to see me again the rest of the time you're here and I couldn't care less if you want a refill on your coffee."
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