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11 Thoughts on my Walk Back to my Car

I had a great date last night. The guy was awesome. We went out for drinks and stayed out for 5 hours. He made me laugh and had several adventures. He drove me home because I am a light weight and refuse to drive drunk. He took care of me. I woke up the next day and wasn't feeling it. We had fun but there wasn't the spark. I wanted to cry. I feel like something is wrong with me. I had a 4 mile walk back to my car. My friend picked me up after mile 2. I thought about these things on my walk

    1. Down Playing my Dreams

    He asked " When do you plan on moving to teach abroad?" I said "2 years". He said "Are you sure you really want to do that?" and I said "I don't know. Life isn't turning out the way I want it to in the USA. I think it would be awesome to raise kids abroad but I'd be open to staying". I want to be an open person but I also really want to see the world. I want to not just see it but live in it. I keep doing this on dates. I want to meet someone that wants the same thing. I don't want to downplay my dreams.

    2. How much longer does my dad have?

    I keep thinking that man doesn't live in Michhigan. The man that wants to live in the world. I need to be out doing that. I can't do that yet because I can't leave while my dad is dying. It's like I am secretly wishing that he passes sooner so I can get on with my life and it makes me mad at myself. I really don't want my dad to die but I want to live my life. I would never forgive myself if I missed these opportunities with him. Damn day after alcohol is making me really sad.

    3. Am I too picky?

    Can I compromise on a few things? I feel like I do. I have opened up to different races and jobs. I am open up to different religions and thought processes. I don't feel like I am nitpicking on the date. I get to know as much as I can about the guy. I picture myself in that life with that guy. I am so frustrated.

    4. Not enough of a chance?

    My therapist said I should try and go out on 3 dates with a guy to give him a good solid chance. All I can think after date 1 is rejection will be so much harder after 3 dates as oppose to 1. It will be harder to say "I am not into you" and I think it will be harder to hear it. I don't like to use people. I offer to pay but the guys say no. I love that and appreciate it but I feel more guilty if I don't want to go out with them again. I owe them something.

    5. I don't want to be alone

    I just watched "Me Before You" with my dad about a week ago. We were both crying at the end. I was crying because I am sure my dad wants to go and not be a burden and because I am terrified I will end up alone. I have tried dating for 20 years and it hasn't worked. I have had a few good relationships but not good enough for us to both be in the same place.

    6. Funny Guys are Under rated

    He was really funny. He was always trying to make everyone around him laugh. He said "I am just like Dave Atell" His sense of humor I guess and his new york jewish accent maybe. I don't know. Funny guys are great. I think I need to add that to my list of what I want in a guy. He's gotta be funny and yet I feel like I am just being more picky now.

    7. I don't want to be some guy's mother

    I told him I don't like smoking and he needed to wear a seatbelt. I ended up giving into the smoking but I don't like smoking. I think I had given up on him at that point. I don't want to have to tell a guy either of these things. It's not my job. I think these are two of the biggest reasons it didn't work out. Maybe it was because he is 5 years younger than me that I felt like I was telling him what to do. I don't like when people say you need to train the guy. I don't want to train anyone. He is showing me who he is right now.

    8. I should read tarot on weekend nights

    We stopped by a girl reading tarot for $11 for a three card spread. I think we were at the same level of ability. People were stopping all night. It took probably under 5 minutes. I could do that. I just need more confidence. I think if I were in a different city than the one I grew up in I would do it. I did a lot of things in South Korea that I wouldn't do in Michigan.

    9. Why is rejecting people so hard?

    I really do not enjoy it. I have stayed in many relationships in my life longer than I should have because I didn't want to tell them it wasn't working. I have been rejected a lot and it crushes me. Am I a people pleaser or just really empathetic?

    10. Is this intuition or am I taking the easy way out?

    I feel like I have learned to trust my gut quicker in the past few years but I also feel like I am taking the easy way out by rejecting on the 1st date than the 3rd. The guy I dated before I went on 2 dates with even though I wasn't feeling it on the first. I was trying to listen to my therapist. Don't be so quick to move on because it's too easy these days. It felt harder after the 2nd date and I think he just kind of got the hint and we stopped talking. Maybe he wasn't into me either.

    11. No more alcohol on the first date

    I need to stop drinking on the first date. It's got to be coffee from now on.

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