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8 Ways You're Sabotaging Your Success And How To Stop

    1. You're cutting off and eating your fingers

    Stop cutting off and eating your fingers. It's been eight weeks now and you're down to your left thumb and right pinky. Sure by July maybe you can be a pretty unique bongo player but really, if you can, try to eat someone else's digits and eventually break the habit entirely.

    2. You're murdering too many vagrants

    There's only so many crawl spaces in your house you can fill up. There's only so much lime you can buy from from Home Depot before somebody realizes you live in a condo. True, vagabonds are a good source of protein but who really eats all the vagrants they kill? Not this guy, that's for sure. Stop with the vagrants, just let 'em walk through town. If you really get the itch, rent First Blood and then have some barbecue.

    3. You're spinning in your chair

    I get it. It's the first, best high you'll ever get, just spinning and spinning, and for $50 you can get a great office chair and spin away but how the hell are you ever going to type anything while you're spinning? Maybe when you start getting the big bucks you can get an entire spinning office but until then, just watch the hallway fight scene in Inception and keep your fingers over the keyboard.

    4. Swastikas everywhere!

    I know, I know, they look NEAT. Everyone loves four-fold symmetry, that's how it got to be the biggest icon ever seen in Germany, heck, the whole WORLD, some decades ago. But you know there's just some stigma attached to the good old swastika, even the backwards one where the bendy parts go the other way. Just right now, before you even finish this list, go take 'em off your FB profile, Twitter, bumper stickers, baby carriage, wherever you have them plastered up, and try something different like a hammer and sickle. Because everybody loves blacksmithing and agriculture.

    5. Stop submitting your resume to animals

    Look. The deer are cute. They talk in movies, it's true. But they don't give a crap where you went to college, and most of them don't even have a LinkedIn account. I mean go on TikTok, not one animal account I've ever followed even mentions LinkedIn. It's all grazing videos. But I digress, the point is: send your CV to PEOPLE, and for best results, typically it'll be hiring managers for the jobs you actually want to get.

    6. You keep using that language you invented with your demented brother who lives in the attic

    Do you wonder why people don't understand what you're saying? Or, as Zanthor would say: "Kshgaeiuo saeiuo naeiuo saeiuo naeiuosaeiuosaeiuo saeiuo kshgaeiuo kshgaeiuo saeiuo naeiuo sjfaeiuo sjfaeiuo saeiuo?" I hope you understand this now. Nobody else does. Use English, Swahili, Esperanto, whatever you want, just try to make sure more than one other person on the planet speaks it, and for bonus points, that they don't live on a diet of fermented fish heads.

    7. You refuse to unsew your eyelids

    1987 was a heck of a year. Giants won the Super Bowl, Gorbachev introduced us to Glasnost, Fatal Attraction won our hearts in theaters worldwide, and you lost a bet and had your eyelids sewn shut instead of paying for new glasses. You know, life ain't an episode of The Twilight Zone. Black Mirror, maybe, but not Twilight Zone. Rod Serling ain't gonna pop out of an alley and give you macular degeneration just because you decide to cut the stitches that have been cinched tight for lo these 35 long years. Fair warning if you do this: don't watch TV, you'll be reaching for the sewing kit again.

    8. You're not eating enough self help books

    You gotta eat 'em. Multiple times. I've eaten Choose Yourself so many times they should call it Chews Yourself, THANK YOU I'M HERE ALL THE WEEK whaddya think @JamesAltucher can I open for you next time you standup?

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