Not so much an idea list as an "I wonder" list

For the past five days I've been playing 2 games a day in a chess tournament. It's finally over a few minutes ago.

These are some things I wonder:

1. Why are my games lasting so long?

There was like a thousand people in this tournament. That means 500 tables in the tournament.

In 4 of the 9 games, my opponent and I were the LAST ones in the tournament hall. Different opponent each time so the common factor was me.

Why are my games lasting so much longer than everyone else's. They averaged 5 and a half hours and up to 70 or 80 moves.

And in each one of those, I was slightly down so it was harder for me to play than my opponent. All of those long games I ended up losing.

A) What am I doing strategically that is causing these games where I have a slightly negative position and then my opponent just grinds it out for 5 hours until I'm just worn out and lost. I'm not getting crushed. I'm just "slilghtly down". Some of those games should've been a draw but after five hours of trying to survive I just don't have it in me.

2. The flip side is: why am I in a rush?

I feel an urge to be "active" early in the game. This is probably causing me to go into negative territory.

Someone told me, without realizing I knew him, that Ben Finegold says, "play as if you want to play forever."

So what happens to me is that I play for an advantage too fast. My opponent defends well and then gets a better position. And five hours later I lose.

I ran into Ben in the tournament and told him someone told me his quote. He said, "Well, looks like you're doing it," sarcastically.

3. I think I have a scarcity mindset.

That if I don't ACT NOW nobody will give me another chance to win.

4. Sometimes I know I am not playing the best move.

Sometimes I play the move that is more active because I hope my opponent will miss something.

But I should just play the best move and see what happens. There's a good book, "how to play equal games," that shows how to play move by move and wait and see what happens. I should study that more.

Magnus Carlsen is famous for playing equal games and finding his chances.

5. 25 years ago...

"Back in the good old days"...none of my games lasted long. We'd get in a race: I would attack one side and my opponent would attack the other. Then it was over when someone checkmated.

This rarely happens now. Three of my wins this happened and it felt good. This is the kind of player I am. I'm not used to how computer-like all the players are now.

I need to get better at that. Or find better ways to get into attacking positions.

6. 25 years ago...

If I just knew my openings real well, I'd win a lot. This is how I rose to the master level.

And when I win now, it's usually because I know the openings well.

But now EVERYONE knows the openings well. They have computers and courses and coaches, etc.

That's one of the reasons why things get so equal all the time at this level. Everyone just knows everything.

And when one side doesn't know the opening, they get crushed

SO A) I have to learn my openings even better and try to find tricky lines they might not know.
B) There's no B, i just have to learn my openings better

7. BUT...I did play my best game ever.

I was playing a "FIDE Master", which means he's a strong internationally ranked player.

I knew my opening VERY well and he did not seem to get the ideas as well.

So I started playing very actively and aggressively. The reasons:

- My king was safely castled and my pieces were all developed.
- His king was still not castled and was stuck in the middle of the board and his pieces were cramping each other.

When the above occurs, the key is to open as many lines and diagonals as possible.

First I sacrificed a piece to open up some more lines . Then I positioned my pieces to prevent him from castling.

Then I sacrificed my queen.
Then I sacrifced another piece.
And then he resigned.

Here's the game:

https://lichess.org/study/M1lPoduP

And the next point I show a position from the game whrere it's black to move and CRUSH. Maybe my best game ever.

8. Black to move and CRUSH

Preview

9. Are these too exhausting to me?

Since I've started playing in tournaments again after a 25 year break, I've never had games that have lasted so long EVERY SINGLE TIME. It's frustrating because it's exhausting. And then I'm wired so I can't sleep.

I have fun getting so absorbed mentally in something so there's some pleasure there. And I learn more about my decision-making abilities, my memory, my ability to improve and learn, etc.

But I'm so tired now. And I have a 6am plane tomorrow.

For some reason I always take on these challenges and I don't know if it's so good for me.

Several people, including Robert Greene (author of "48 Laws of Power") told me this would be a great book. But I'm so tired and I am not quite where I want ot be yet with it. It will take me at least a year I think.

But it's fun also to challenge yourself and I am definitely learning things about myself.

Even the psychology of losing is much different now for me than when I was younger.

JamesAltucher