Popeman and Choirboy
I'm rewriting my classic tale. Below is a list of changes I could make to help enhance the story.
Popeman and Choirboy - Part 1
The characters use weapons that they find in John Paul's office later in the story. If I mention them earlier it looks like it was planned rather than a Deux ex machina.
Pen - John Paul pulled out his fountain pen and began to write his sermon....
Sword - the wall was filled with photos of John and his congregation. They loved him. Amongst the photos Hung a huge longsword with a small place below reading 'Freedom'
Baseball Bat - John heard a crash from the other room. He jumped to his feet, grabbed a baseball bat that one of the choirboys had left, and went to investigate.
2. Jesus is psychotic
My character Jesus goes psychotic later in the story I think it's important to show signs of his crazyness leading up to that point.
When driving I can have him drink wine at the same time, speed and drive on the pavement. He'll survive and reassure the guy's 'Thee of little faith. Don't you trust me?'.
I also like the idea of Jesus slowly believing that he really is Jesus as the story progresses.
I changed the name from Fredrik. And I also want Jesuses real name to be Ben (three last pope's).
I think it's important to mention him before he's shown. A photo or a plack celebrating his singing ability could be enough.
I want him to be the smartest character, but with such low self belief that he always doubts himself and goes along with John Pauls nonsense. The rest of the congregation is just stupid and honestly believes that John Paul is a genius.
4. It's not real
I think it's important to show that John Paul's reasoning is insane. I want this to grow so I can show the insanity of a lot of thinking, but for this story I want to highlight islamaphobia.
I'm taking it to stupid levels by having John Paul see the horrendous effects of eating Halal based meat.
I think I need to add a scene where a homeless man dies in an explosion. This could be done by doing something stupid like peeing next to an electric box. This may just kill him without an explosion, but I guess it's enough for John Paul to connect the dot's into getting lucky and what the real objective is.
Do I get John to brainwash his whole congregation into believing his nonsense or do I have him hide his popeman persona from them?
They're not part of this story, but if it grows I think it's worth thinking about.
I think he would try to get everyone on his side. I think it would be funny if people challenged him only for him to get angry and attack them/kick them out/have the congregation laugh at them even though they're right.