Rocco's Jokes - Part 11

1. Newspaper

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My dad was at the table, sucking a pen and every so often grabbing the pen and scribbling something down in the newspaper. Confused I asked 'dad. What are you doing?' nothing. Maybe he didn't hear me 'Dad! what are you doing?' still nothing. 'DAD! Dad! dad!' I tried pocking him to get his attention 'ddaaaadddd. what are you doing?' then he stood up. glared at me and let's just say he said a few crosswords.

2. Catch it

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I use to get bullied. I remember one day at school I was playing with my friends. That was until one of the bullies appeared. He shouted my name then threw something at me. everyone chanted 'catch it. catch it. catch it' I tried, but I missed. splat! it covered my face. I sniffed, it was rank rotten. I threw up instantly. Time slowed to a standstilll as I was picking up my guts. That's when I replied, the chant wasn't 'catch it' it was cat shit'

3. Stocks

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My wee gran use to collect stocks. She left me a bunch in her will. I'm not sure how much they're worth. So if anyone knows, please inform me. The stocks are 10 beef oxo cubes.

4. Big Headed

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People use to say 'Rocco. You're so big headed'. I didn't think I was, but since so many thought otherwise I decided to get tested. The doctor measured my eyes. the distance between my eyes and ears. the distance between my forehead and chin. my mouth to my knows. tons of measurements all over my face. He then calculated all the numbers. After calculating he came back and said 'Rocco you have what we call in the medical industry the perfect beauty ratio. You have a perfect face'. I was overjoyed. I now have medical proof that I'm not big headed. I'm just incredibly sexy.

5. Business Advice

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I've read a lot of business books and one bit of 'advice' that always comes up is 'Don't sell what you wouldn't buy' and you might think 'that's really smart advice', but it's not, is it? Lets sayI want to make some money so I can buy a ps5. So I decide to sell my ps4. But I can't sell it, until im willing to buy it, so I convince myself to buy one. I've now got 2 ps4's. 2 ps4's that I need to sell, but I can't sell them unless I'm willing to buy them. I then end up with 4 ps4's. 8, 16, 32, 64, 128. It just goes on and on until I have no more money to buy them. So don't follow that advice. Sell what you wouldn't buy, because if you'd buy it then there's no point in selling it.

7. Fat Fact

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Did you know. Obese people can smell food far better than thin people. This is due to the fact that it's far easier to smell food whilst you're shoving it down your big fat gob.

10. Euthanasia

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My uncle got into a really bad car crash last week. He's completely paralysed. He'lll be like this for the rest of his life. I remember he'd always say 'If I ever become a vegetable I want euthanasia'. So to fulfil his wishes I sent his sperm to Thailand. Youth in Asia .

11. Weeb

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I asked my weeb friend. 'How do you turn on woman"' he replied 'That's easy rocco. You push the power button'

12. WW2

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Is it just me or does any other Scot side with Germany when watching old WW2 footage. You know what they say - Anyone, but England.