Rules for East Tennessee Driving

These are the rules I have learned through direct observation.

Preview

1. That stick on the left of your steering wheel? That's just for holding hair ties.

2. Cruise in the left lane as much as possible. The pavement is smoother there.

Bonus points if you cruise in the left lane on a four-lane at the exact same speed as a vehicle to your immediate right.

3. Never, ever signal. It's nobody's damn business where you're going.

If you're not sure what "signal" means, refer back to #1.

4. Those red hexagonal signs are just suggestions.

"Stop" means "target," by the way.

5. Follow as closely as possible behind the idiot in front of you to encourage him to drive a decent rate of speed.

Ignore the laws of physics, which were probably illegally passed by liberals anyway.

6. If you aren't going at least 10 MPH over the speed limit, you have no business being on the road.

7. If you are ONLY going 10 MPH over the speed limit, expect to be passed at every opportunity.

8. "Opportunity" in #7 has nothing to do with double yellow lines, which are simply goal lines for possums.

9. If someone slows down in front of you, immediately pass regardless of hills or oncoming traffic. They have become someone of no value.

10. If you forget all the others, remember this: you are the ONLY real vehicle on the road. Everything else is just an obstacle. Drive accordingly.

11. BONUS: If any part of your vehicle falls off, well, that's what wire coat hangers and duct tape are for.