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Bill Bergeman


The Anti-Perfect Day

    1. Blaring alarm clock goes off at 5 am. Hit snooze repeatedly until 6:30 am.

    2. After waking up late, realize I missed my workout. Oh well, guess I better give up that new year's resolution until next January!

    3. Shuffle to the kitchen, pour a bowl of sugar and carb-laden kid's cereal, and fumble my way to a desperately needed cup of coffee.

    4. Mindlessly scroll through my social media feeds. Waste 20 minutes getting in a Facebook comment fight with a high school 'friend' I haven't seen in 25 years about Donald Trump. Walk away knowing I'm clearly the winner and he's an idiot.

    5. Shower. Don't bother shaving, because why bother? Don't bother wearing freshly-cleaned clothes and having pride in my appearance, because why bother?

    6. Commute an hour in stressful traffic. Loudly complain about how bad all drivers are except for me. Listen to shallow drive-time radio DJs and bad used-car sales commercials.

    7. Arrive at my cubicle for my poorly-paid IT job 10 minutes late. Feel proud I made it that close to being on time.

    8. Waste my first half hour shooting the breeze with some work colleagues in the kitchen. Pour my second and third cups of coffee. Eat three doughnuts from the big box of Dunkin' Donuts that someone brought in.

    9. Slouch down in my computer chair for the next three hours and start answering one unimportant email after another. Put off the critical tasks for my primary project because I decide my inbox is more important.

    10. Take a 90-minute lunch break at the nearby deli with my cubicle mates. Complain about our boss. Complain about our projects. Complain about our pay. Eat poor quality over-priced submarine sandwiches.

    11. Cry about Lucy in accounting who I have a crush on but I'm too afraid to ask out so I just spend my time looking at her Instagram instead.

    12. Get back to my cubicle and finally start work that needs to be done (it's 1 pm). Get in a solid two hours of effort. Then surf the web for useless shit to buy and read about Pokémon the rest of the afternoon.

    13. Clock out promptly at 5 pm, with unfinished tasks left behind, and drive an hour home through terrible traffic. Aggressively honk my horn at anyone who dares pull in front of me.

    14. Get home to my undersized and overpriced apartment, throw a TV dinner in the microwave, crack open a beer or three, and plop down for three hours of solid Netflix time.

    15. Fall asleep groggy and sorrowful about my life, hoping it would all change if someone would just give me a break since there's no hope for me saving myself.

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