This Week's Horoscope
1. Aries
You may be a "no regrets!" kind of person, but at some point, you're going to have to deal with that dead body in your backyard.
2. Taurus
You need to stop planning for the future so much, because this time machine only goes backwards in time.
3. Gemini
To live in the present, you need to realize two things: You are not your thoughts, and you can't get your money back from this $5000 meditation retreat.
4. Cancer
Embrace your wild side. Go on a beach and scream from the top of your lungs. Run naked in the forest. Wrestle with a beaver. That's one thing she can't take away from you in this divorce.
5. Leo
Today, you will waste six seconds of your life reading your horoscope. Also, you're a slow reader.
6. Virgo
An event at work will cause you to move to France for love: the love of going on strike so you don't have to work.
7. Libra
A terrible danger is looming, and all your friends are already on it, so you're going to get hit with a big case of FOMO.
8. Scorpio
You will fall in love with someone who will compliment you because their life coach told them to be kind to a person they don't like.
9. Sagittarius
You will watch a thought-provoking movie that will completely change your outlook on plumbers and housewives.
10. Capricorn
It may be difficult for you to make choices, but at some point, you will have to decide on the best suicide method.
11. Aquarius
Lately, there has been a negative voice in your head trying to persuade you that you're a worthless imbecile with no future. But ask yourself this: Isn't that voice entitled to an opinion?
12. Pisces
While you tend to be able to rationally consider the other person's point of view during a disagreement, this doesn't always work. This week, when you feel frustrated while talking to someone, try calling them a nazi.
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