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What 10 New Things Could You Wake Up & Immediately Do?

    1. Close my eyes and immediately go back to sleep

    2. Eat my pillow that I made out of donuts the night before

    It'll be sweaty and compressed but full of electrolytes.

    3. Get out of bed and run full speed into the wall

    4. Find the cat and try to fit his entire head into my mouth

    One of these days it's gonna go

    5. Wet the bed and feel the urine run into the small of my back just like in that funny scene from The Right Stuff

    6. Wake up my wife and tell her she ruined my life, just to see what she does

    7. Stand up straight, get dizzy, feel every one of my joints cry out in protest, then sag back into bed and realize my best years are behind me

    8. Finish the bottle of vodka I went to sleep with

    9. Start an alternate Internet disconnected from the New World Order to create a covert cultural and intellectual oasis that will survive the coming globalist apocalypse, thus preserving the knowledge of mankind for future generations

    10. Think about what I'm grateful for, then get up out of bed and try to have the most balanced and productive day I can

    Nah. That's boring.

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