Horoscope - December 19th
1. Aries
Could it be that you're addicted to suffering? Let go of what isn't working out and focus on what is. Your affirmation for the day: "I deserve to be happy even if I ran over three cats this year without telling anyone."
2. Taurus
A bright future awaits: you're going to see that white tunnel during a near death experience. Your grandma won't be there, though, because she's too busy playing Scrabble in the after life.
3. Gemini
You will soon go on a date, which means you will finally cut your toenails.
4. Cancer
Don't be afraid to explore your sexuality! Next time you're in bed with your partner, try doing something else than the old and boring routine in which you dress up like a baby and cry.
5. Leo
An 8-year-old child will ask for your help with their math homework and you will realize that you are not a functionning member of society.
6. Virgo
Rejection doesn't necessarily mean no. Sometimes, it means "you suck and you never should have tried in the first place."
7. Libra
You know you need to get out of your comfort zone. So go do a fun activity like axe throwing, skydiving, or making eye contact with a person of the opposite sex for more than two seconds.
8. Scorpio
Is it love or lust? You'll have to figure it out before the BDSM orgy comes to an end.
9. Sagittarius
Sometimes it's better to wing it and go with the flow rather than plan out everything in every detail. And who knows what kind of surprises might come out of this pig heart transplant?
10. Capricorn
It's time to become more openminded even if it makes you uncomfortable. Don't say that communism is bad if you haven't tried to murder rich people yourself.
11. Aquarius
Are you wondering if you're suffering from imposter syndrome? You should know, you're a psychotherapist. Not a very good one, apparently.
12. Pisces
Time to send your prayers out into the cosmos, where nobody can answer them.
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