How should I reply?

I posted yesterday about being angry.  Responding in anger is never smart.  Now that I've had time to relax how should I respond?

1. What matters

They're was a huge list of things, but If we're being honest only one thing matters - the court case.  All you want is for me to back down and allow him to get off Scott free.  He'll still be done for wreckless driving, but at least he won't get done for attacking and threatening me.

That's the only part I care about.  If I back down I'm telling myself and everyone else that I don't care how much you attack, threaten and traumatize me.  As long as you say you're sorry I've ment to forget all that and forgive you?  It's not that easy.  I'm not sure if there's any way towards forgiveness. 

If he does his time and I can see a real change in him maybe.  But he should be focusing on becoming better for himself and what he cares about.  Not for me.

2. You're hurt

You're being manipulated.  He's got you to change your memories of that night.  He's using you to get to me in order to drop this case, because he knows he's in the wrong.

If the CCTV is really on his side going to court and having that prove his innocence should be enough to rest easy.  But it's not

 That's because he's lying about what the CCTV shows.  He's guilty and he knows it, he's getting you to be his lawyer and ask me recollection based questions, make me slip up and use that in evidence with the hope it somehow makes a difference.

You're fantasy life of living happily together if only I'd drop this is just that, a fantasy.  Once he's safe you'll be dumped and I'll probably be attacked due to no longer having any safety.

3. I'm no longer talking to you

I'm talking to his lawyer.  I'm very much aware that everything I say is getting fed back to him/his lawyer.  I can't trust you and that's a really bad foundation to build a friendship on.

4. Sum up

I can't write all this it just leads to more questions/attacks that I don't need.  What I want is peace.  I don't want to talk to any of them and I want the court to do it's thing and deliver a fair verdict.  How do I get that?

Push through until China?  Once I'm there even if the insanity gets worse I'll be safe.  If returning home ends up being an unsafe act I'll work something out, I'm in that position either way.  Her being a friend may be the only thing stopping him from retaining, losing that defence wouldn't be wise.  Again I don't want to see them.  Being civil, but stating my trauma may be a good start.  I can't see him and I can't trust that he won't show if I see you.  Push through, China, relax, deal with court case when it comes, deal with the new obstacles as they come.

5. Reply

You've written a huge list.  Let's be honest though all that matters is this court case.  I still don't feel like backing down.  You've changed your mind on the event, but I've not.  I still feel trauma thinking back to it.  No amount of guilt will get me to not feel that.  I still don't understand why it's such a big deal that I drop it?  If you're correct in the way things played out the CCTV will show that and he'll be fine.  Even if that results in a courter suit towards me I can handle it.   

I'd like to still be friends, but I don't know how it's possible if you can't accept me persuing this.  I don't want to see him again.  I don't want him appearing if I'm hanging out with you.  I realise that he's going to show up at some point anyway wether or not you're involved with it.  So yeah I'd rather keep my distance, at least for now.

Where do we go from here?  You live your life and I'll live mine. We'll deal with the case when it comes and the aftermath afterwards.  Accept that I'm not backing down and I'll accept that you see things differently from the way I do.  The court can enlighten everyone to the truth.