Pensive Monday

The day after a migraine is a terrible struggle: drowsy, not quite present, needing to reset.

Weather changes, not enough food, not enough sleep, lack of caffeine, hormone changes, stress, nothing, everything. Could I have prevented this one? I haven't pinpointed the cause for it, so not entirely sure.

There are times I go into therapy thinking we'll talk about a specific topic or general theme and somehow we end up in an unexpected place. Today was that type of day.

From appearances I'm straight passing. Married to a man with a child. I'm not straight, I've never been straight, and I was punished mercilessly for not conforming to societal norms when I was younger. An entire church ostracized me, outcasted by my family (who already treated me as an outcast), and treated like a pariah in school. I grew up, got out of town, found my people, treat others with kindness...but it left its mark.

We were talking about my kid, how much he reminds me of somebody I was once close with. His intelligence, his love of sports, his thoughtfulness...and his inability to fully understand just yet the nuances of the world. Intent and impact. How do you teach your child to not be a selfish asshole, while also allowing them to grow and be independent free-thinkers.

I can't be an overbearing parent. He deserves unending love and care. Guidance and the resources to fly. Not admonishment for not being developmentally ready to understand certain things. He's not me, he's him.

To get it out of my head. To put it out into the world and let it go. To accept the emotional stirrings of today and allow them to be as they are. And then to move on.

For the sun is shining, and I am working on thriving.

Breathe in..1..2..3..4..5. And out...1..2..3..4...5. And again. Again. Again.

A work in progress. Something to explore.