Rocco's jokes - Part 5

My wee gran use to collect stocks. After her passing, she left a few to me. I'm not sure how much they're worth, so If any of you know please tell me. The stocks are 18 beef oxo cubes.

My wee boys been depressed for a while. So I talked to him, reminding him of happier times. Like how we use to go to the forrest and make our own swings and play on the trees all day. After talking about it I noticed the first smile from him in a long time. He said 'Thanks dad. I love you' then grabbed some rope and headed to the forest. I hope he enjoys himself.

wait...

Crap.

I just lost my job as a security guard. I'm shocked. I thought I was doing a splendid job, but I guess my boss thought otherwise. After 2 hours of manning the door, I did a quick drug search. I ran my finger across tables, chairs, the bar and found nothing. Finally I check the toilets. Wiped my finger across the toilet seat and white powder covered my finger. So I sniffed it to make sure it was drugs. Can't remember much else of that night. All I can say is it was bangin.

A sketch based around a dad joke

People ask me if I've always been homeless. I'm like 'Naw. Don't be stupid'. I had a house once. In the winter I built myself an igloo. Invited all my mates over for a house warming. It melted.

one of my favourite quotes about children is... Time spent playing with children is never wasted - Jimmy Savel

If you think that it's cool to bully the disabled, you're probably retarded.

You ever accedently shipped right on a pure munter? Then you wait a few days and they don't swipe back. It's like 'Not only are you ugly as sin. You're also mentally retarded'

I use to get bullied when I was younger. I remember one day the bigger boys where pushing me about when Billy, the main bully threw something at me. Everyone was shouting 'catch it. catch it. catch it.' I tried my best to grab it, but I missed and ended up covered in cat faeces

People often say 'Rocco you're really big headed'. So I went to the doctors to be tested. He took measurements of my face, eye to eye. Eye to nose, ear to ear etc. He then went away to do some calculations, when he returned he stated 'Rocco ,The beauty ratio is a measurement of how beautiful your face is and you have a near perfect beauty ratio'. So there you go. I'm not big headed. I'm just incredibly sexy.

I went to the PC shop today., picking up a new computer. I've got a bad back, so I asked one of the big strong boys if he could help 'Excuse me Sir' I said 'could you help me move this into my car'. He just stared at me, eyes glaring then screamed 'It's Mam!'

Another one that works best with video