Stand up stories

I met a beautiful lass at a night club, in China. She didn't speak English, but that didn't matter. Kissed and got her no. Over the next few weeks we talked a lot and when we were both free we went on a date. One night she invited me over. Jackpot. We get into bed, things start getting heated, then she stops. Pulls out her phone and starts typing. I translate it and it says 'send me Y1, 000'. She wants me to pay her for sex. Great. I meet a nice lass and she's a prostitute. I was so angry and upset that I didn't pay. I turned round and went to sleep (too much hassle to travel back home at that point). 

The next day I told my friends. They let me know that in some cases lassies want you to send them money, then they send it back in order to show trust, but by that point I had already screwed up my chances. No lass likes being referred to as a prostitute, very hard to come back from that. 

I'm bad at punchlines. I can come up with great stories i just can't see how to end it on a funny note.

One day I was at a local dance. I was feeling thirsty so I wanted in... The Punchline. Hahaha! Really thought that's just a joke that happens to be true. Whilst there someone tapped me from behind. I turned round then screamed. Aagghh! It was a gay guy and I'm extremely hompophobic. Not in a I hate them way in a they scare the hell out of me way. Well it's not so much them it's anal penetration that really scares me. And these guys love it. That just boggles my mind. Anyway I scream and run out of the hall and make my way home. 

Just as I enter my house my stomach rumbles. I rush to the bathroom. Woosh. I proceed to destroy the toilet and once done I reach for the toilet paper. One ply. I then wipe extremely carefully. One, two, three so far so good. Then on fourth wipe the paper rips. My finger slips through. It continues on its path and penetrates my anus. I raped myself. I ran out the bathroom in tears. How could I do that to myself. The one person I trusted more than anyone else, me, raped me. I cryed in my bedroom. I refused to leave for a week. 

How'd I eat? Well I ordered food, but that's the only time I left the room. 

What if I needed the toilet? Have you listened to anything I said? Return to the scene of the crime? Only idiots do that. 

Anyway I'm not really sure how to end this, so I'll end it like I started by saying - I'm not that good at punchlines.