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Tam Jones

I've been tasked with telling this story as a stand up set. 

Tam Jones

    1. The End

    Jokes work by surprising the audience.

    It's no surprise that I'd get fired after telling this story. Is it surprising that I got a new job? 

    That I didn't think it was that bad. 

    That I wish I was fired for a better joke. 

    Maybe I can go Norm MacDonald style and dispite the poor punchline drag it out for as long as possible and make the journey itself the joke. 

    2. Drag out

    I got fired from my job as a security officer last year. I was working at The Wikerman Festival. Tom Jones was the headline act.

    It was a nice enough job. I was stationed with a few others between the campsite and the main arena. Customers would get patted down. We'd confiscate their alcohol (and save it to be 'destroyed' later. It never did get destroyed, but I know a few staff members that got wasted). 

    The sun was shining down on us all day. Maybe a little too much. I remember squaring up to a customer who skipped the queue. Absulute scum. I shouted then bolted down ready to chuck them out. Luckily for her... Her mother grabbed her and returned her to her rightful spot in the queue. But not before she ran down and kicked my leg. Kids today have no respect. 

    Anyway after patting down customers for what seemed like forever, we got bored. So we decided to joke with the customers. They started out poor - you've a stane on your tshirt, wwhhoosshh! Flick their nose haha. But they slowly got better and better. And we finished with the greatest joke of all time. It was a joke that combined the event and being Scottish, what's not to love about that? After we told it the customers where speachless. They just stood their, in awe. Shaking their heads 'no, no, no I can't believe I witnessed the greatest joke ever told' tears fell down the faces of some 'jesus christ' a blessing to God for allowing them to be here. The world for a brief moment was heaven on earth. What was this masterpiece? 

    My supervisor, big guy, you'd not want to get on his bad side stopped everyone. Looked the queue up and down and said 'sorry guys. I've just got word. Tom Jones won't be playing tonight' the crowd panics 'what! I spent hundreds to be here. What do you mean?' others getting violent 'the hell? I'd better be getting componsated for my journey here and back.' my supervisor continued'... Sadly he's in hospital. No one will be getting componsated, but don't worry we have a top class replacement ' people panic,' he's in hospital! Is he OK?'' who can replace sir Tom Jones? 'the supervisor takes a breath then hits out with the greatest punchline in the history of comedy. A punchline so, so good that people walked backwards in sheer a precautions.' Tom Jones isn't playing 

    But his Scottish brother is. Tam Jones! '

    That night we 'disposed' of the alcohol we confiscated. The next morning the boss of the company wanted to hear the joke

    And out of what I can only perceive as pure jealousy he fired us all. We can't all be expert comedians,which seems more than evident judging by your reaction. 

    3. Twist

    People get fired for a lot of weird reasons. I got fired for saying Tom Jones had a Scottish brother. Well I got fired for saying his Scottish brother would be singing and not him, but that's not really as funny is it?

    4. Thoughts?

    This is difficult I liked idea two, but I just don't think it's that good a story to begin with. Maybe I can add more ubsurdities to it.

    What do you think? 

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