The Drama Triangle - This relationship's Over
The Victim is the person who feels wronged or hurt by a person, place, or thing.
The Rescuer is the person who serves as the hype-man, the wing-woman, the person you go to for advice, help, and counsel.
The Persecutor is the person, place, or thing who is responsible for creating the drama and causing the hurt, pain, and discomfort you feel.
The drama triangle happens every hour of every day in every family, church, and neighborhood.
The drama triangle is a predictable pattern of behavior that many of you may find yourself in the middle of right now.
Drama triangles always implode.
Within all drama triangles, are made-up stories that have nothing to do with what actually happened.
Most adults are like whiney little children that get so caught up in their stories. They almost never stop to create a little space and reorient themselves so that they can have a shift in their perspective.
Both victims and rescuers fail to realize that a rising tide lifts all boats. A kind thought goes a long way.
“They say that if a butterfly flaps its wings in the Amazonian rain forest, it can change the weather half a world away"
1. The Victim
The catalyst is a grievance - a real or imagined wrong or other cause for complaint or protest, especially unfair treatment.
Everything is happening in the mind of the victim but it can quickly become physical. You create the world that you see.
The victim has a lot of momentum assuming the victim's role and is pretty damn good at it.
The victim always has a victim's story they've rehearsed hundreds of times and are eager to share it with the world.
Victims love company.
Victims believe everyone else is 3 and they're an 8 in terms of how they show up in the world. (Victim Bias)
You can't be a victim without a victim's story.
The victim rarely if ever approaches the person, place, or thing they believed harmed them in some way - they look for the rescuer instead.
The victim is attempting to solve a problem that is twice removed from the original source.
The victim is always campaigning more for what they don't want than what they do want.
Both the victim and the rescuer believe that because the persecutor is unaware of what's being said or done behind his back that their actions aren't equally as damaging.
The victim allows the persecutor to take up residence in his mind - rent-free.
To be the victim you always have to come from a place of fear.
The victim will always seek to punish the persecutor rather than correct the behavior.
The victim resists 'what is" and prefers to instead remain in a hallucinated state of mind.
Most victims rarely grow out of the triangle because they have too much momentum being in the triangle.
The victim is not very adept at orienting himself to another person's perspective.
The victim rarely has a shift in perception because he is so committed to the idea of victimhood.
Victims don't understand they're not upset for the reason they think.
Victims make themselves right while making the persecutor wrong.
Victims create more enemies, not more friends.
The victim always places his needs or desires above everyone else.
The victim rides with the angel and the devil. Who's the devil and who's the angel?
Victims don't know that the persecutor is a disguised version of herself.
Victims don't know that an idea never leaves its source.
The victim ingests the poison and expects that the persecutor will become ill.
The victim always evaluates the persecutor not based on situations but on character. Is it the character that you dislike or the behavior?
Thoughts a victim will almost never have..
"Why did he do what he did?
"What did she say what she said?
"Could I possibly be wrong about the way I currently see this situation?
"What would happen if I made a 180-degree turn in my manner of thinking?
"Could it be that the behavior I'm witnessing is a call for love?"
"Is what I'm believing and thinking at this moment helping or hurting me?"
"I could choose love instead of this!"
2. The Rescuer
The rescuer is glad that the spotlight is on the victim and not them.
The rescuer's situation is oftentimes no better than the victim but their drama is hidden from view.
The rescuer believes the victim needs their help, advice, counsel, and support to effectively navigate your grievance.
The rescuer believes the victim needs a listening ear and the source of their pain lies with the persecutor.
In truth, the rescuer is just glad to be included in the victim's drama. They usually have tons of experience in the world of drama.
It's easy to be a rescuer until someone labels the rescuer as the persecutor.
The rescuer and the victim almost never have anything positive to say about the persecutor.
Most rescuers rarely grow out of being a rescuer because they're always in someone else's business instead of their own.
Most rescuers see siding with a victim as a convenient place to hide.
The rescuer's job is always to evaluate everybody else.
3. The Persecutor
Oftentimes the persecutor is not even aware of how the victim and rescuer feel.
The persecutor is attacked instead of the behavior.
A relationship is severed instead of healed.
The persecutor is always labeled as a bad person, of bad character, who's made choices and needs to be punished.
The persecutor is seen as the scum of the earth with no redeeming qualities.
The persecutor is just as innocent as the victim and the rescuer.
The persecutor is not given what they need most - compassion, empathy, and understanding.
4. Why drama triangles form
It's easier to attack.
It's easier to find fault with someone else.
It's easier to blame.
It's easier to accuse.
It's easier to seek the comfort of validation than it is to have the discomfort of confrontation.
It's easier not to have difficult conversations.
5. Two surefire ways to effectively escape of the drama triangle.
1. See the innocence in every person, place, and thing.
2. Need assistance? Go to the Source.
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