What it feels like to lose my dad so far

My mom is gonna need help, I'm abroad, etc.

I suspect I'll be quite OK since I've been getting used to the idea for a long time, but I mean, you never know. It's still a big deal.

Except a bit when my mom did.

I had taken a break from the gym for a few weeks mostly due to back pain.

At the men's circle a few weeks ago, I had hypothesized how I'd feel. I think I said I'd be pretty chill about it and laugh about it or something? Anyway my friend was super sweet, he canceled a work meeting just to get coffee and walk with me. That really moved me.

I showed up and was like "Okay so I feel weird because uhm..." and started nervously laughing. She was sweet about it and we decided we'd still hang out. It felt quite comfortable. I think it made me think about it less. It's been on my mind a lot more since I left for the airport.

I thought, what else would I do? Stay home and think about my dead dad? My mom had a friend over to stay the night and she said she'd be fine if I came by in one or two days. So I eventually booked a flight for the next night. It was a rough trip: late evening flight to Amsterdam + bus to Brussels. Got home Sunday late morning.

Since I couldn't be there right away, he was there to be with my mom and to take care of all the paperwork stuff. He's still doing a lot now that I'm here. I'm basically just sitting back and being with my mom.

It's good to realize I have such sweet friends.

Mostly my mom and my brother (who I basically have zero relationship with), and maybe some more distant family members.