Why I want to return to China

I don't enjoy my current job and everything else I've looked into seems just as meaningless.  

When I think of teaching again it makes me happy.  I find meaning in teaching and helping kids grow into the best adults they can be.

I've looked and nothing here gives me the same feeling.  I thought I could teach here, but after seeing the nonsense that I'd have to teach I doubt I'd be that happy doing it.

Scottish school's teach 'inclusive learning ' as part of the coriculum.  And at first it sounds great everyone regardless of their background gets the same education, but I looked closer and you also need to 'celebrate diversity ' and with that I got anoyed.  We should celebrate hard work, good grades, kindness etc. not the fact that someone came out or happens to have a different skin colour.  This put's a focus on all the wrong attributes and as a result we'll bread a lot more racists, sexists, homopbes ect.  Could a focus on theses thing's go any other way?

As far as jobs go, there's nothing here for me.  

I noticed when I was out in China that Scotland had a mental health crisis.  I went out of my way to share every tip I had to keep depression at bay.

I hoped that I could somehow make that my carrer.  Helping people become happier and live better lives.  I've got a Facebook page dedicated to it, published two guidebooks on the subject and based my own clothing brand around it, yet I'm going nowhere with it.

People are addicted to being depressed.  They parade their mental health issues like a new £1,000 dress.  'it's anxiety.  I panic whenever I see a crowd ' 'well at least you can go outside.  Me?  I can't even leave my house.  Sat in front of the TV all day eating ice cream.  Boo hoo my life's terrible ' 'ha! You think that's bad?  I can't even leave my bed.  I need my career to feed me.  They insist that I can feed myself, but they'll never understand the difficulties I face '. I hate it.  They'd rather compete in the depression Olympics to become sicker than everyone else, than to work on themselves, get happier and live better lives.

Maybe if they see me succeed they'll start listening.  Maybe they're a lost cause.  They might give up, but I've still got plenty of fight left in me.  I'll solve this problem one day.

I don't work that much as I don't enjoy it and would rather relax and have fun.  The problem is that everyone else is working and things aren't nearly as much fun on your own.

Fun usually consists of going to the bar.  I'd rather do other things, but noones available to do them.

The majority of the week is boring.  I keep myself busy with my own projects, but I often burn myself out with working too much without allowing time for fun/relaxation.  

I was almost knocked down, multiple times, by a maniac earlier this year.  I'm still waiting for a court date almost 6 month's on.

I'm dealing with it fine and if I saw them I'm sure I'd be alright and could handle myself if things got bad, I just don't like being on edge.  I'm never fully relaxed, just incase and I'm pretty sure that's not healthy.

Would I feel better after the court ruling? Maybe.  Maybe whatever that kick's off would just lead to more stress, who knows?  

I tried living with my cousin here and it didn't work.  As similar as we are, we're too different and as a result slowly stressed each other out.

I had 2 roommate's in China.  One I hated and one I got on with well.  I can live with the right type of person, but I think I'd be happier alone.

I'm back to living with my parents.  I've really enjoyed it.  I'm 32 though, I'm too old for this.  I need my own space.

I've not really had much luck in that department since I've been home.  Not having my own space is a big part of that.  I didn't want to take someone back and deal with my cousin or my family.  At least not till later in the relationship.

I also don't value myself too high back here and that shows.  I'm smart yet I have a rubbish job and I'm living with my parents, not really a catch, right?

A continuation from depression I guess.  Suicide seems to be everywhere.  One of my best friends since primary school 'suceeded' and countless others have luckily 'failed' at it.  It's exhausting.  I don't know how to save everyone.  I wish I could.

And it's not just that illnesses and acedents take others.  Warding off people from doing similar activities doesn't seem to work either.

Deaths coming for us all I get that.  I just wish it would take people a little later in life.  I guess all I can do is be the best friend possible all the time, just in case.

My younger brothers are both doing great.  Holidays almost every month, great money and jobs they love.

Unlike them I went to university and graduated with an honours I also taught for 4 years, yet I've nothing to show for it.  I don't like my job and on the odd occasion I do get a holiday I'm always careful with money due to knowing I still have to keep enough to survive till the next pay day.

If they can live like kings so can I.  I've a great mind I just wish I knew where I could use it to it's full potential.

It's been on my mind for a while and whenever something persists I find writing it down to be the best way to clear my head.  I should sleep soundly tonight.  I hope you enjoyed reading.  Maybe it helped you see your own life in a new light, maybe it's triggered you to examine your life and if it's really where you want to me, maybe it's opened up possibility to better futures for you.  Or maybe it was just the ramblings of a mad Scot looking for more out of life.  Whatever it was I hope you get something from it.

Rocco