10 things I’ve learned about myself after 3 long term relationships

I was about to announce on Facebook that I was going to start a new chapter of life with my then GF (potentially moving closer to her mom + thinking about starting a family).

I wrote a draft in google docs and sent it to her with the intention of posting it later that week.

She asked to talk that evening — at my place (which was weird). She told me that she wanted to break up.

I had zero warning, never saw it coming. I never thought she would go there.

Ripped the rug right out under my feet.

Worst breakup I’ve ever been through.

Chemistry is fun. Chemistry is nice.

I know how to create it.

Compatibility is long-term important.

I haven’t historically done a good job of evaluating this.

I’m working on this.

Every ex has wanted this.

I’ve never enjoyed it. I’ve never wanted it. It feels like such a big drain to me in the long run.

I never voiced it as explicitly to any of them as I’m expressing here.

All my exes leaned anxious, often felt clingy. It was like I always needed to give them 100% of my attention all the time, even if we were just watching TV or having down time together or cooking.

I did it, cause I was doing what I thought would make me a good partner, but it felt so restrictive.

I just get more energy from the work I do than spending time with my SO. I felt like I was always making a trade off and I never felt good about it. I always felt like I was giving more time to the relationship than I preferred to.

Related to #1, if I take things more slow, I’m less likely to get sucked into making decisions purely based off chemistry.

One of my exes wanted to start thinking about having kids within 2-3 years. I had never consciously evaluated what my personal timeline was until that. I now know!

I’ve had a personal narrative that “I’m a good partner.”

And that’s often led me to say "Yes" to most complaints or requests my exes have had.

Often, I said "Yes" when I didn’t want to. But I’d say "Yes" because I didn’t want to explain why I didn’t and I wanted to avoid potential conflict, which I didn’t have energy for.

It was a rock and a hard place.

I still need to get better at it.

As an introvert…I really need to protect my space. This is similar to #8.

It’s much harder to be enthusiastic about a relationship if I feel like I never have enough time to myself.

I’ve never communicated this to my exes very directly until when it was already a problem.

Related to #6.

A handful of my friends had a strange sense early on with my exes, ones who have known me for years that I trust.

I want to rely on them more.